Hello all! I hope this finds all of you well, happy, safe, and warm! For those of you not in Colorado, we are in the middle of very typical Colorado weather. Its been around 70° for the past couple of days - tank tops, flip flops, shorts - that kind of weather, and absolutely gorgeous. It was pretty today too, until about an hour ago, thats when the wind picked up. We are under a blizzard warning until tomorrow afternoon - winds, snow drifts, blowing snow, etc. This being Pueblo, we shall see, but it is typical for around here. Anyway, enough about the weather. Yesterday was a big day for me. I finally made it to the gym! It was very exciting, and scary. Before surgery I was doing zumba, pilates, and hours on the treadmill, now I didn't know what to expect. I can only do cardio, no weights, no heavy lifting, no excessive movement, etc, so back to the treadmills. I popped in my headsets and put the treadmill on manual so that I could control what was going on. I took it slowly and kept it at a low slope, which was frustrating because I usually go as hard as I can. I made it almost 30 minutes and a full 1/2 a mile! I know that doesn't seem like much, but it was huge for me - the first step of many that will get me to my goal. If the weather cooperates we will be going back tomorrow, my goal is a mile but I'm not going to overdo it either - one day at a time :). For those of you that have followed with me since the beginning, you may remember that I posted my pre surgery weight in my first entry. If you're new, or just need a refresher, I was 323 lbs before having thw procedure. Well, today was my first weigh in post op, and it went very well! I am now at 289 and excited to keep going! There will be countless pumps in the road. Yes, my stomach is now much smaller, so portion control is easiee and im not really hungry; but that's only the beginning. I have to retrain the way I look at food, the way I eat, the things I use to fuel my body. These are major, life long changes, and it is daunting. I have had a love hate relationship with food, and with myself, for 33 years - it won't change in a week, or even a month. The moat important step I have to take is believing I'm worth this, and that is my current struggle. I think most people look at obese people and immediately judge us. We are too lazy to go to the gym or to pay attention to what we eat. If we would just stop eating and walk some we would lose weight and it would be ok. How hard can it be really, just control yourself. I've heard all of this and more. The truth is, it isn't easy. Most obese people hate the way they are, hate how they look, are ashamed to be in public. I don't even like dropping my girls off at school because I dont want them teased for having the fat mom. Most of us use food to make us feel better, the same way some people smoke or drink or buy shoes. Food is a salve that eases some of the hurt we try to hide. It can also be easier to be fat. I know people are going to stare at me and make hurtful comments. I know the waitress is in the back whispering about the fat chick on 23. I know that people will judge me before a word escapes my lips - and I know how to deal with that, how to prepare for it, how to deflect it. I've learned all of the fat jokes so I can make you laugh first. I've read thousands of books so I can show off intelligence. I've learned to be witty, and clever, and interesting so maybe you won't notice that I'm hurting and maybe you won't tease me first. I can do all that. What I don't know, is how to be thin. Who will I be? What jokes will I tell? How will I get you to keep from staring at me now? What will I say so you wont look to closely, so you won't see my pieces? These are all things I am struggling with, and that almost every other obese person has wondered as well. For now? Baby steps....and I hope I find the answers down my path. Until next time - thanks for reading, ♥♥♥ always, stay safe!!
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