It's been a rough couple of day, physically and emotionally. There have been some big ups, but they are followed by disappointments - which is life, I understand, but it has been frustrating. Yesterday was going to be my first day at the gym and I was very excited, then I ended up not being able to. I went to go and visit a friend so I wore jeans and a bra - such a normal everyday thing, but it was such an accomplishment after the past week and a half. One hour into the visit my bra was digging into my chest right above an incision and beginning to hurt. After two hours it was getting painful to sit, I could feel my abdomen aching and my sutures felt like they were stretching. My total visit was four hours and by the time it was done I couldn't get to my van fast enough. I took my bra off before even driving off, and as soon as I got home I was in my pjs and laying down - I was completely worn out from sitting and having a conversation, it was ridiculous. Quick side note here, I am one of the lucky people that absolutely love their boss. Joee is amazing and always there for me, always has my back, lets me be me even through minor meltdowns, and she is always looking out for me. She has also been there since day one of this process, on my side, cheering me on - I am so lucky I have her. I mention her because it ties into yesterday. When we scheduled my surgery I was excited because it was on a Tuesday and my days off are Tuesday and Wednesday. So, my theory was, I would have surgery Tuesday, get released Wednesday, and back at work Thursday - after all I had Pipyre Jeaux Wednesday and was back to work Friday, why not with this too? People thought I was crazy, none more so than Joee. She and I battled about it. I knew I could so it, and she wouldn't even let me try. She even threatened to tell security I wasn't allowed in the building. I was so mad. I know she was just trying to protect me, but - as I am beginning to understand - she had grasped the enormity of what I was doing far before I did. Then yesterday happened, and as I was driving home I was forced to admit she was right. I can't physically sit at a desk for eight hours, my body won't let me. Realizing that made me so mad, theres no other way to describe it. I've never been the invalid type, never sat back and rested while other people do things. I pick up the heavy things. I work the extra hours. I stay up all night. I can go for days. That's who I am, not this weak, pathetic human that can't even sit for four hours without needing a nap. So, I sat and essentially pouted all night. It was probably the lowest I've felt so far. Then today happened and I'm frustrated again. I woke up and decided I felt okish and I would try the gym today after we went grocery shopping. We took Aeowynn and Pyp and the only good part was the ride there. We get in the store and I was heading down an aisle when Wynn asked if she could go get goldfish, which were behind us. I said yes and I had Joe go with her to get them. I went to get cat food and thats where I screwed up. It's cat food. I get it all of the time. So, I picked up a 16 lb bag. SIXTEEN POUNDS! Thats it, less than most of my backpacks weigh. Didn't matter, I could feel it. Instant pain in my abdomen and my incision sites. I didn't mean to. I wasn't being stubborn or stupid. It was just habit. Joe saw me do it so, of course, I got lectured - not to be mean, because hes worried and he cares, but I was in the middle of wallowing so I just glared and pouted like Mykk. Next item was the litter, thank god my six year old was there to lift ir for me, ugh! Of course, by then I couldn't even push the cart because it was too heavy. I was in a mood and I felt horrible. I managed to get about 1/2 my shopping done before I was sweaty, nauseous, and in pain, so I had to go sit in the car while they finished. Once again gym is out, and I am again lying on my couch trying to feel better. Let me say, I dont mean this to sound like some gigantic whine fest or some call for pity, that isn't it. The point of this entire blog is to show everything that goes on with this process - the good and the bad. Im struggling today. Im struggling with all of this. And I understand that this isn't that bad, and that it is probably not the worst I will go through, but it really got to me today. I want to be up amd moving and living my life. I want to see my friends. I want to pick up and hold my children. I want to go to the gym. I want to go grocery shopping without help. I want to make people proud, I want to impress them, and myself. I am ready for the next step in this journey and I am currently stuck on pause. Does that even make sense? Anyway, I have whined at you long enough. I may write again tomorrow, if not, weight in is Monday and I will definitely write then. Until we meet again...take care and stay safe ♥♥♥
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