Work....and Workouts

Well, yesterday was my first day back at work, and today was my first day actually working.  Word to the wise for everybody that thinks a free day to just chill at you desk is fun - the first hour, maybe two, aren't too bad....after that you are counting tiles on the ceiling and praying for anybody to walk by and talk to you for entertainment.  Trust me on this.  It was good though, to not have to do too much yesterday.  I forgot every password that I need, which was fabulous.  It took me forever to remember how to unlock my computer and when I finally did I got the popup that my password was old and needed to be change - but when I had to retype my old one in I couldn't remember what I had just typed.  Take that process and repeat for every password I have at work (I have several) and feel free to laugh hysterically at what a goob I looked like - I know I was laughing.  Once I got my passwords straightened out I weeded through a million emails - ok, 368, but that's still a bunch of deleting lol.  Then I went through the meeting and tailgates I've missed in the past month to catch myself up on everything I missed in the month I was gone.  All of this got me to around 8:30 (I work 7:30-4:30) and then I was free to read through some of my tools and catch up on the news - I use the term catch up lightly because I have been watching massive amounts of news over the past month, but I did read the entertainment and sports sections of the ap news, so that was something new.  I will admit that sitting for that long was slightly difficult for me.  It's been some time since I've sat upright for any amount of time and my incisions aren't totally healed yet - plus they did cut through abdominal muscle - so I did get achy and tight sitting there, but that was mostly better by today.  Today was much better in terms of speed.  I was finally actually working which makes it go so much faster.  The funny thing was, I consider myself fairly good at my job, I know my tools and how to use everything - but my first couple of calls I totally drew a blank.  Couldn't remember where to go or what to do, and they were simple calls - thankfully I have always been good at gabbing so I was able to talk until I found my footing again.  It was beyond words to see most of my friends again - I can't tell you how much I've missed them!  Tomorrow is going to complete it because the rest of my team will finally be there and I get to see them....I'm so excited!

As for working out - it's going really well.  Today was definitely a "Dory" workout though.  I've been doing the squat challenge, and I try to do it after I work out and get my treadmill done, it seems to work well for me.  Today, however, all of the treadmills were full so I decided to do squats first.  Now, my legs are already sore and shaky and I had to add five more than I did yesterday.  I start my squats, and the first five or so were fine - no pain, nothing horrible, very doable.  Then it started getting rough.  I kept pushing through and working on doing them correctly - I've been really focused on form and making sure that I am doing everything effectively - so I ended up redoing 6 of them.  By them time I had hit my number my legs were on fire.  It was good, I love the feeling you get from working out, Joe calls it "good pain" and I would have to agree.  It feels like you have accomplished things.  After squats, I made my way to the treadmill - heaven help me lol.  Lately I've been doing an hour on the treadmill, all uphill, all at a fast walk.  I love it, I pop my headsets in and just zone out the world, it's perfect.  Then there was tonight.  I did make it over 40 minutes, but my incline was about 1/2 of what I have been doing and my pace was much slower.  After about five minutes I just kept chanting "just keep swimming, just keep swimming" to myself.  I didn't think that I would make it the full 30 minutes, much less an extra 10 after that - but I did it.  I was trying so hard for a full hour, but my legs were shaking so much there was no way.  I still made it the 40 minutes though and I am very proud of that.  After that I went and worked on arms for a bit and then ( drum roll please) I did FIVE crunches!!!  First crunches since the surgery!  I was so very excited.  They hurt like heck but they felt amazing.  I can't wait to build that up as well.  I'm really pushing and working hard, I will do it this time!  I already have a dress and high heels picked out for when I hit my goal weight.  (For anybody that knows me both of those are huge things for me and also very rare - kind of like dinosaur sightings).  Next Wednesday is another weight check so I will let you guys know what happens there and I will also be taking another picture then too.  As always, if you have any questions, thoughts, ideas, anything, please write me or email!  Until next time, thank you for reading and stay safe!!!

Hi Ho Hi Ho......

Well, this is it, my final night before work.  I can't believe it's been a month since I was at work, since I saw most of my friends, since I had a full eight hours out of the house lol.  Truth be told, I'm nervous - ok, more than nervous.  I have so many people pulling for me, so many people that have been by my side, my strength, my support, everything, and I'm so scared that I will let them down.  I am afraid that I will walk in tomorrow and my body won't have changed enough to make them proud.  I know there are changes, I see them, I feel them, I know they are there, but what if nobody else does?  I also understand that I am doing this for me, not everybody else, and that's great and I agree, but I still don't want to let anyone down.  In my heart of hearts I know this is my journey, my path, my success, and my failures - that is reality - but there is something to be said for the people that are there for you, that are with you through thick and thin, good days and bad, no matter what.  There is power there, and joy, and love, and gratefulness, and I don't want to disappoint any of them -  I don't want them to feel like all of their time and energy was for nothing, because it has meant the world to me.  I have made some major steps in the past weeks.  I am walking over three miles now, all uphill, which is huge!  I used to walk so much more than that, and do it faster, but I don't beat myself up - I know that I am making progress and that changes are happening - baby steps.  I also ordered the beach body at home system so that I can work out at home on the days that I can't get to the gym.  Along with that, I have a friend that sells yoli and another several that use it and love it, so I am going to jump on the wagon and try that along with all of the other changes I am making.  It looks amazing and every little bit is worth it.  It's funny the things that I struggle with still, things you don't think about.  My stomach is too small for me to eat too much at once, but that doesn't mean that I can't eat anything I want - at least try to and see if it makes me sick.  So, there are times that I have to really pay attention to what I'm about to put into my body.  Thankfully, most things that used to be my weakness don't appeal to me any longer, but other things do.  I'm not big on sugar, as a matter of fact I have to water down apple juice because it's too sweet for me, but I still love bread which I'm not supposed to eat because it is difficult to digest.  I also have always had something to drink while I'm eating, but if I do that now it makes my stomach hurt, so I have to be careful.  My biggest struggle, however, is making sure I take the proper amount of time to eat my meals and that I chew them as completely as possible.  I have to take at least 30 minutes to eat anything, but that is much harder than it sounds.  I think part of it comes from working in restaurants for so long.  When you have food, especially hot food, you eat it as quickly as you can before it gets cold or you run out of time or a table needs you, whatever.  So you learn to eat fast, without much chewing if possible - which brings up my second stumbling block.  I have to chew food until it is almost liquid...trust me, that sounds way easier than it is - if you ever get really bored try it sometime - it's more difficult that you would think.  I am getting there though.  Slower bites, longer meals, more exercise, extra water, it's all coming into place - not as quickly as I would like, but I am getting there.  This whole thing is a process, one that is taking will power, energy, prayers, and a little luck, and it will be a life long process - but it will all be worth it when I can run with my girls without gasping for breath.  After work tomorrow I am going to the gym and then I will write and let you know how my first day back is.  Until then, thank you for reading and stay safe!!

Hitting the gym

Hey guys! I know its been a bit since I've written, I've been slacking - sorry.   The gym has been going fabulous! Ive made it to 2.6 miles on the treadmill,  all uphill.  I'm finally starting zumba and pilates, and today is my first kickboxing class which I'm super excited for!  Most of my incisions have healed really well.  I have a couple of stitches that still haven't dissolved so I will be asking the doc about that when I see him in two weeks.  I have one site that is still really tender and bruised so I'm still babying that side.  I really noticed it yesterday when I was pulling down the door to my trunk, it flexed that muscle and I could feel it pull - just taking its time.  I went to lunch on Monday with one of my best friends, that was a new adventure lol.  I ordered soup and salad, ate about 1/5 of the soup and brought the salad home (my girls ate it lol).  It was so much fun to get out of the house and hang out with her, and it was good to go out to eat and see what I can do and what options I have.  I do have a card that states I had stomach surgery so that I can order smaller portions,  but I didn't use it this time.  I go back to work next week.  Extremely excited and very nervous too.  Work is where I sit all day and snack on things, which I can't do anymore - I dont want to do that anymore.  It will be another challenge for me, but I am so lucky that I have the amazing friends and support there that I do.  I know it will work out - I just have to remember,  baby steps.  Well, I'm going to go work in the house and get ready for the gym, I will write soon!  Until then be happy,  and stay safe :)♥

And miles to go before I sleep.....

So, yesterday was HUGE for me....I walked 1.3 miles uphill!!!  And I got all of my water intake!  Woo hoo!!  I am going to start the squats challenge tomorrow plus I want to go for 1.8 miles at the gym.  Monday I get to go back to pilates, and Tuesday zumba finally!!!  I am so excited.   Hey, before I forget - if any of you know where I can get an expensive pilates mat will you let me know please?  Mine has grown legs so I need to replace it.  Anyway, I was so excited to make it for over a mile in a half an hour - I know thats not overly impressive for most peoplw but it was a big deal for me.   I also juat ordered an at home cd to do with mykayla.  My two goals are to do cross fit in 3 months and to survive either p90x or insanity in 6.  I'm discovering some obstacles that I've always known were there but that I thought would be easier to overcome.  The biggest is to stop eating when I'm full.  If there is food in front of me I will pick at it until its gone and im sick, like right now, my stomach is killing me and I want to get sick because there was still food on my plate.  So, I have enlisted the help of one of my biggest supporters - Joe.  He is going to help me portion everything onto the plate - we are buying a scale tomorrow to help with that - and the rest will be totally put away.  If I dont see it, then I wont have to struggle with walking away.  Baby steps, remember.   I can't mess this up and I'm terrified to fail, I just have to remember that mistakes will happen because I am not just going on a quick diet,  I am changing my life.  I am going to try an settle my stomach down.  I will write tomorrow after my squats and let you know how jello my legs are :).  Until then take care....and stay safe!!

Two weeks and counting

Wow.  Here we are, two weeks from my surgery.  How is that possible?  Fourteen days ago I was barely coherent and being pumped full of drugs.  In fact, the only solid recollection I have of that day is wishing I hadn't had the surgery.  I was so sick and so miserable!  Thank god for Joe - both that day and now, he's been far more amazing than I deserve, especially considering our current situation (I'll get to that in a bit).  Now it's been two weeks and I'm amazed at how things are changing.   Im down 34 pounds from the day I began writing this - THIRTY FOUR - thats so amazing to me.  I can already fit into old clothes and my pants are starting to fall off.  I'm still taking lovenox for blood clots and to give it I have to pinch my stomach and inject the needle (I have brand new sympathy for my diabetic friends).  This morning,  I noticed I have less stomach to pinch, which was very cool.  It's little things like that that get you excited,  help you keep going.  Today has been kind of crappy stomach wise.   I haven't been able to keep anything down, liquid or solid.  My friend Beth had told me about this, but I am totally over it today.And the only thing I want is a sprite or a ginger ale, and neither are options because I can't have carbonation.   Funny the little things you take for granted,  like sprite when you feel junky.   It all falls back to changing behaviors,  little by little.  It's amazing to me the habits you don't realize you have until your entire life is changing - like drinking soda for an upset stomach.   So much of my life is changing this year,  in major,  frightening ways.   As some of you know,  I've been married 14 years,  and it hasn't always been the best thing - for either of us honestly.   Well, next Monday,  my divorce will be final - which is why I say Joe has been far better than I could have ever asked.  I am one of the lucky people that has been able to keep my best friend even while losing my husband,  and I am so blessed by that.   I can honestly say I wouldn't be able to do this without him.  He checks my meds, makes sure I eat,  stayed with me in the hospital,  encourages me at the gym,  and that's just the start - he's been amazing and I will never be able to thank him enough.  Another huge event is my oldest will be starting high school this fall, and it scares me.   If you have children you know exactly how I feel.   Mykayla is smart, kind, loving, generous,  and stunningly beautiful.   I don't say that because I'm her mom,  I say it because it's the truth - Pipyre Jeaux is pretty and pixyish, Ms. Aeowynn is cute, and my Mykk is breathtaking,  she always had been.    Unfortunately,  she is also built like me.   She is tall and curvy,  she will never be tiny like a cheerleader.   She's very unique, right now half her head is shaved and the other half is purple.   She likes to write and act and is an amazing artist.  She's one of those rare people that makes the world a better place just by being in it and I am so honored to be her mom.  Anybody that gives her a chance and gets to know her will have a friend for life - but that's what scares me,  people don't usually give her a chance.   Like I said,  she's built like me,  so she's bigger - she's not really heavy, but she's tall and has a bigger frame, and she has been teased since second grade.  We actually moved her schools,  twice,  because of bullies.   I'm worried that will get worse for her in high school.  She just wants people to like her so I'm afraid she will either try to change who she is,  or she will start fabricating stories about who and what she is (which is what I did) and that is never good.   And,  since the surgery,  I find myself freaking out more about her weight, and I don't want to do that either - I don't want to make her ashamed or self conscious,  I just want to spare her even some of what I went through.   That's part of why these changes I'm making are so important.   I need her to follow my example now on how and what and when to eat - I need all of them to.   That's what keeps me so focused, if I can keep my girls from some of the pain I dealt with because of my size and in the process help them lead longer, happier, healthier lives, than all of this is worth it.  I've rambled enough for now.   Thank you for listening.  Until next time,  stay happy,  stay healthy,  and stay safe ♥♥♥

Weigh ins, and blizzards, and gyms....oh my!!

Hello all! I hope this finds all of you well, happy, safe,  and warm!  For those of you not in Colorado, we are in the middle of very typical Colorado weather.  Its been around 70° for the past couple of days - tank tops, flip flops, shorts - that kind of weather, and absolutely gorgeous.   It was pretty today too, until about an hour ago, thats when the wind picked up.  We are under a blizzard warning until tomorrow afternoon - winds, snow drifts, blowing snow, etc.   This being Pueblo, we shall see, but it is typical for around here.  Anyway, enough about the weather.   Yesterday was a big day for me.  I finally made it to the gym!  It was very exciting,  and scary.  Before surgery I was doing zumba, pilates, and hours on the treadmill, now I didn't know what to expect.   I can only do cardio, no weights, no heavy lifting,  no excessive movement,  etc,  so back to the treadmills.   I popped in my headsets and put the treadmill on manual so that I could control what was going on.  I took it slowly and kept it at a low slope, which was frustrating because I usually go as hard as I can.  I made it almost 30 minutes and a full 1/2 a mile!  I know that doesn't seem like much, but it was huge for me - the first step of many that will get me to my goal.  If the weather cooperates we will be going back tomorrow,  my goal is a mile but I'm not going to overdo it either - one day at a time :).  For those of you that have followed with me since the beginning,  you may remember that I posted my pre surgery weight in my first entry.  If you're new, or just need a refresher, I was 323 lbs before having thw procedure.   Well, today was my first weigh in post op, and it went very well!  I am now at 289 and excited to keep going! There will be countless pumps in the road.  Yes, my stomach is now much smaller,  so portion control is easiee and im not really hungry; but that's only the beginning.   I have to retrain the way I look at food, the way I eat, the things I use to fuel my body.   These are major, life long changes,  and it is daunting.   I have had a love hate relationship with food, and with myself,  for 33 years - it won't change in a week, or even a month.  The moat important step I have to take is believing I'm worth this, and that is my current struggle.   I think most people look at obese people and immediately judge us.  We are too lazy to go to the gym or to pay attention to what we eat.  If we would just stop eating and walk some we would lose weight and it would be ok.  How hard can it be really,  just control yourself.   I've heard all of this and more.  The truth is, it isn't easy.  Most obese people hate the way they are, hate how they look, are ashamed to be in public.   I don't even like dropping my girls off at school because I dont want them teased for having the fat mom.  Most of us use food to make us feel better, the same way some people smoke or drink or buy shoes.  Food is a salve that eases some of the hurt we try to hide.  It can also be easier to be fat.  I know people are going to stare at me and make hurtful comments.  I know the waitress is in the back whispering about the fat chick on 23.  I know that people will judge me before a word escapes my lips - and I know how to deal with that, how to prepare for it, how to deflect it.  I've learned all of the fat jokes so I can make you laugh first.  I've read thousands of books so I can show off intelligence.   I've learned to be witty, and clever,  and interesting so maybe you won't notice that I'm hurting and maybe you won't tease me first.  I can do all that.  What I don't know, is how to be thin.  Who will I be?  What jokes will I tell?  How will I get you to keep from staring at me now?  What will I say so you wont look to closely,  so you won't see my pieces?   These are all things I am struggling with, and that almost every other obese person has wondered as well.  For now? Baby steps....and I hope I find the answers down my path.  Until next time - thanks for reading, ♥♥♥ always, stay safe!!

Saturdays Struggles

It's been a rough couple of day, physically and emotionally.   There have been some big ups, but they are followed by disappointments - which is life, I understand,  but it has been frustrating.   Yesterday was going to be my first day at the gym and I was very excited, then I ended up not being able to.  I went to go and visit a friend so I wore jeans and a bra - such a normal everyday thing, but it was such an accomplishment after the past week and a half.  One hour into the visit my bra was digging into my chest right above an incision and beginning to hurt.  After two hours it was getting painful to sit,  I could feel my abdomen aching and my sutures felt like they were stretching.  My total visit was four hours and by the time it was done I couldn't get to my van fast enough.  I took my bra off before even driving off, and as soon as I got home I was in my pjs and laying down - I was completely worn out from sitting and having a conversation, it was ridiculous.   Quick side note here, I am one of the lucky people that absolutely love their boss.  Joee is amazing and always there for me, always has my back, lets me be me even through minor meltdowns, and she is always looking out for me.  She has also been there since day one of this process, on my side, cheering me on - I am so lucky I have her.  I mention her because it ties into yesterday.   When we scheduled my surgery I was excited because it was on a Tuesday and my days off are Tuesday and Wednesday.  So, my theory was, I would have surgery Tuesday,  get released Wednesday, and back at work Thursday - after all I had Pipyre Jeaux Wednesday and was back to work Friday, why not with this too?  People thought I was crazy, none more so than Joee.  She and I battled about it.  I knew I could so it, and she wouldn't even let me try.  She even threatened to tell security I wasn't allowed in the building.   I was so mad.  I know she was just trying to protect me, but - as I am beginning to understand - she had grasped the enormity of what I was doing far before I did.  Then yesterday happened,  and as I was driving home I was forced to admit she was right.  I can't physically sit at a desk for eight hours,  my body won't let me.  Realizing that made me so mad, theres no other way to describe it.  I've never been the invalid type,  never sat back and rested while other people do things. I pick up the heavy things. I work the extra hours.  I stay up all night.  I can go for days.  That's who I am, not this weak, pathetic human that can't even sit for four hours without needing a nap.  So, I sat and essentially pouted all night.  It was probably the lowest I've felt so far.  Then today happened and I'm frustrated again.  I woke up and decided I felt okish and I would try the gym today after we went grocery shopping.   We took Aeowynn and Pyp and the only good part was the ride there. We get in the store and I was heading down an aisle when Wynn asked if she could go get goldfish, which were behind us. I said yes and I had Joe go with her to get them.  I went to get cat food and thats where I screwed up.  It's cat food.  I get it all of the time.  So, I picked up a 16 lb bag.  SIXTEEN POUNDS! Thats it, less than most of my backpacks weigh.  Didn't matter, I could feel it.   Instant pain in my abdomen and my incision sites.   I didn't mean to.  I wasn't being stubborn or stupid.  It was just habit.  Joe saw me do it so, of course, I got lectured - not to be mean, because hes worried and he cares, but I was in the middle of wallowing so I just glared and pouted like Mykk.  Next item was the litter, thank god my six year old was there to lift ir for me, ugh! Of course,  by then I couldn't even push the cart because it was too heavy.  I was in a mood and I felt horrible.   I managed to get about 1/2 my shopping done before I was sweaty, nauseous,  and in pain, so I had to go sit in the car while they finished.   Once again gym is out, and I am again lying on my couch trying to feel better.  Let me say, I dont mean this to sound like some gigantic whine fest or some call for pity, that isn't it.  The point of this entire blog is to show everything that goes on with this process - the good and the bad.  Im struggling today.  Im struggling with all of this.  And I understand that this isn't that bad, and that it is probably not the worst I will go through,  but it really got to me today.  I want to be up amd moving and living my life.  I want to see my friends.  I want to pick up and hold my children.   I want to go to the gym.   I want to go grocery shopping without help.  I want to make people proud, I want to impress them, and myself.  I am ready for the next step in this journey and I am currently stuck on pause.  Does that even make sense?  Anyway, I have whined at you long enough.   I may write again tomorrow,  if not, weight in is Monday and I will definitely write then.  Until we meet again...take care and stay safe ♥♥♥

ONE WEEK IN!!I

It's been a week, how has that happened??!!  Some things seem so fast and other seem so slow.  I hope everybody had a fabulous easter!  My kids had a blast, and we had mom over for a bit for breakfast - it looked good.  It was kind of hard for me because I'm still not allowed to eat, so I just had to watch and smell the goodness, but I know this will be worth it.  I had a couple of major accomplishments this week (well, they were major for me at least) - I wore my jeans for an hour yesterday morning.  I have been in stretchy pj bottoms for over a week, which drives me nuts.  Don't get me wrong, I love pjs and all, but not go to into public and a week is a little much at once lol; but, because of the swelling and the incisions I can't have anything that isn't over sized on - it hurts and makes me sick.  I did make it an hour though, I was rather excited.  Then, last night, I slept laying down.  I haven't been able to lay down because it pulls on my stomach, but I finally was able to do it last night and sleep.  It was a big deal for me.  Some times I feel like everything is moving so slowly.  I miss work.  I still can't eat.  I miss clothes.  I can't even drink water like I'm used to, I have to do it in small ounces over periods of time, which will drive you insane, trust me.  I tried for a year to get to this point.  Classes, doctors appointments, tests, it was crazy.  This is what happens when you decide to go through this process:  You have to research bariatric surgeons in your area - in Pueblo that means in you state because there aren't any here.  Then you need to research everything about them, insurance taken, degrees, certifications, success rates, any failures, law suits - before you walk in the door you will know about your doctor than you do almost anybody else in your life, I promise.  Then you set up the initial appointment which can be several months away.  At your first appointment, all of your self conscious parts will be on display, but you need to get used to it because it will stay that way for longer than you can imagine.  You will be weighed, they will measure your neck, waist, arms, bmi, blood pressure, heart rate, if it is measurable they will measure it - and probably take pictures of it.  You will meet with the initial nutritionist, a food consultant, a psychologist, a nurse, and finally the doctor.  They will go through everything they want you to do to prepare to submit to the insurance, and a list of things they want you to do to be prepared for surgery.  This usually includes monthly doctors appoints to monitor your weight and exercise habits, you have to meet with nutritionists regularly including keeping an accurate food diary, I had to have two sleep studies, and upper gi, a lower gi, an endoscopy, cardiac stress test, and get psychiatric clearance because of my PTSD - and that was before we even went to insurance.  We were just about to submit to insurance when the surgeon I had chosen left the practice - I was sent a letter letting me know.  Can you imagine??  I had gone through all of that, I trusted my surgeon and his staff, I was ready and mentally prepared to have the surgery, then bam back at square one.  I went back to my research and found a surgeon actually closer to home, it took me about six weeks to pick one, and then it took almost three months to get in to him.  I was ready for another long battery of tests and frustrations.  More hoops to jump through.  I met my surgeon exactly six weeks ago.  Yes, six weeks.  The day I met him he had already gone through my flies and records and he was ready to operate.  After all of my waiting I had a date, and it was extremely close.  The five weeks leading up to the surgery seemed to fly by.  Building up to this type of surgery causes so many emotions, fear, regret, indecision, excitement.  Everything runs around and jumbles up and there are times you can't think of everybody else.  Thank god for the support group that I have around me.  Without Christi, Pam, Joe, Sheri, Susan, Joee, John, Beth, Karen, Melli - and that's just the first few - I couldn't have gone through with this, and I am where I am today because of them and their support.  That is so important, words can't describe.  The people I named, those of you that are reading this, and so many more have given me the confidence, the strength, to know that I can do this even if the struggles are hard.  This will be another week of big things.  I will be attempting some solid food this week, I am going to to gym on Friday, and next Monday is my post op appointment - first weigh in since surgery :)  I will write again in the next couple of days.  I am loving the reaction to my blog - thank you everybody for sharing it with me, and share it with your friends too, lets see how many people we can reach.  Obesity is an epidemic in this country, and far too many people aren't talking about it, and that doesn't help it only makes it worse.  Thank you again!!!  I love you all