"The COURAGE to CHANGE the things I can"

My name is Rebecca and I am addicted to food.  Not good food.  I don't sit around longing for celery and cottage cheese.  I enjoy healthy food, in fact I love it, but I can walk away from it - it's everything else that I am struggle with.  Before I continue with let me state something very clearly I am not making light of addiction - far from it.  I know what it is like to struggle with addiction, I was married to an alcoholic, and I have been clean sixteen years.  I understand the daily struggles, the ups and downs, the fights, the desires, the cravings, the withdrawls, the headaches, everything that goes with the chains of addictions and kicking them; however, I am not sure if I understood, until very recently, exactly how extreme an addiction to food can be.  I know what everyone is wondering: How is the weight loss going?  How is the progress?  Has there been a setback??  It's still going awesome guys - truly!!  Everyday I make huge strides and see improvements and I am so excited to share all of them with you, and we will get there throughout this blog, I promise - baby steps, as I am so fond of saying :)

For those of you that follow my blog you know that the past six weeks or so have just been a roller coaster for me health wise - severe asthma issues, i hurt my leg, migraines out of control, my weight stalled, my depression was at rock bottom - I felt like I was sinking, spiraling downward and I couldn't see the end.  I promised total honesty when I started this, so here is total honesty, I even began to think about hurting myself.  All I could see was how I was letting everybody that I cared about down and how much better off everyone would be if I wasn't around, it was that dark, and I was that irrational.  Then "it" happened.  Joe and I went to the store (he had stopped letting me out of his sight for longer than the length of a shower) and they were selling Russel Stover Smores for a dollar so I grabbed one on the way to check out.  It was just one, right??  What could it hurt, right??  I took one bite and I can't even describe the feeling that went through me other than to equate it to alcohol or narcotics.  That warmth you get the first time you try it, or when you come back to it after a long time apart.  The more I ate the warmer I got, and the better I felt.  I ate the entire thing, more than I had eaten in ten weeks, ignoring my protesting stomach, telling myself it was only one time, everyone deserves a treat occasionally, and I wouldn't do it again.  The only problem was, I couldn't stop thinking about it, I even dreamed about having another one - made even more ironic by the fact that I don't even LIKE sweets.  The next day I made up an excuse to go back to the store and I bought not just one but TWO more I ate one right away and ended up having the second before the night was over, again with the same effect, the same endorphin rush, all from food.  The next day, I found myself just sobbing over what I had done, I had managed to consume almost 500 calories in less than three hours, not a single calorie being nutritional, and there was no hunger involved.  I felt like a total failure, lower than I had at any point before this.  So, how did I react?  The way and emotional eater does.  I consumed more food.  It wasn't tons, I can't gorge myself, but it was enough, and every time with the same results.  I would feel depressed or stressed or worried or - fill in emotion here - I would eat something I shouldn't, the rush of endorphins would follow, they would fade and then the guilt would come back and sink me even lower - typical cycle of depression and addiction, and I couldn't find my way out of it.  Until, one day, there was a light there - it was faint but it was there.  I realized I had friends around me like Christi, Joee, Jahorah, Judy, Lori, West, Mellie, Karen, Cat, Mikey, even Joe, looking out for me everyday.  More than just looking out for me, cheering me on, listening to me if I needed it, supporting me when I couldn't support myself, and it wasn't just them.  Every single day I have people texting me or finding me at work or on facebook to see how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, how my progress is - people like you guys reading my blog or sending me an email.  Little by little it began to occur to me that these things don't just happen, it isn't for your personal edification, you aren't just bored, and it isn't like we all have a ton a free time - I have been blessed to find a group of people (a rather large group at that) that genuinely care how I am, how I am feeling, what I am doing, and if I need anything.  Yes, I am struggling,  yes I am STILL struggling.  I will continue to struggle every day, some days every minute, but at least I am continuing to struggle, and isn't that what matters?  As long as I continue to fight and I still have such an amazing support system I'm not failing, I'm just succeeding at a slower pace :) and I'm ok with that.....now on to other stuffage!!!!

YEP THATS ME!!!!!  Let's ignore the bags under the eyes, I didn't NOT sleep well last night.....may I point
out the TOTAL LACK OF EXTRA CHIN!!!!!!!  OMG!!!!!   IT'S FABULOUS!!!!!!   I don't even know what to say.   And, here is other news........so, last blog, if you recall, I was stalled weight wise.  Well, I was weighed again today and.....

are you ready??


because it's kind of huge (no pun intended)


ok for me it's the most exciting news of the year



ok last set up before the big real, the next set will have my latest weight in....





2          4          9


Yep.  Two hundred and forty nine pounds.  Do you know what that means??  First off that means that since March 26 I have lost 77 pounds which is AMAZING!!!  That also means that when I step on a scale they don't have to move the weight to the 250 mark anymore, they can stop at the 200.  They haven't been able to do that since high school.  I cried.  My pants are ten sizes smaller.  My shoes are even smaller (if someone can explain that to me I would appreciate any suggestions on that one lol).  I use normal wheel chairs and blood pressure cuffs.  I don't have to go directly to the fat chicks section of stores.  Also I purchased the first two piece swim suit I have owned since I rocked out in a smurf bikini in preschool.  I can look at myself sometimes and not feel disgusting.  Maybe that isn't what people want to hear, in fact I'm sure it isn't.  People want to hear how beautiful or sexy or hot I feel, but that goes back to total honesty, and I won't lie to you.  I don't feel those things, so I won't tell you I do; however, not disgusting is a big step for me.  Excited to get on a scale is a monumental step for me.  Taking pictures of myself and not immediately deleting them is equivalent to walking on the moon for me.  So, I am taking my baby steps and climbing my mountains - even if they are only mole hills. To steal a page from a famous support group:

God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

It is getting late and I have bored you for quite long enough so I am going to stop writing for now.  I have the MRI on my hip this week so I will let you all know how that goes.  Until then good night, stay safe, and thank you for listening!!!!  <3<3<3