Finally home

Hi everyone!  Thank you for all the prayers and well wishes. I had hoped to write sooner after surgery, I didn't fully understand how I would feel. Surgery was Tuesday morning at 7:30 am. Doctor came out an hour and a half later and said it was a boring surgery,  no issues and no complications.  I don't remember much of that day.  I know I woke up in my room on a dilauded drip getting constant zofran. I got sick a couple of times,  which is normal because they were playing with my stomach and small intestine.  Wednesday is a little clearer.  I had amazing nurses that took fabulous care of me.  I have five incisions on my belly that hurt but are healing well.  Doc decided to keep me one extra day because I am severely anemic and he he wanted iron treatments done.  I am on lovenox - that I give myself which is huge since I hate needles - as well as pain killers and supplements.  Today was the first day I felt almost hungry,  but nothing but liquids until Wednesday.  I'm starting to get scared about the next steps.  So much revolves around food,  and I have allowed food to become my crutch, my drug, my salve, my disguise - what am I going to do now that I am without that?  Where will I hide?  How will I cope?  Who will I become?  It's intimidating,  I can only hope it's worth it.

STARTING OUT

Hi, and thank you for taking this journey with me.  When I decided to have gastric bypass I wasn't going to tell anybody - it was my secret, my choice, my decision - I didn't want people knowing what I was doing.  There is a stigma attached with what I'm doing.  People think that I am taking the easy way out.  That being lazy is what got me fat and now I'm being lazy to lose the weight.  That couldn't be further from the truth, and I wanted people to know that.  I also wanted people to be able to experience this with me.  To ask questions.  To debate decisions with me.  To understand everything that I am going through and maybe decide if this is right for them.  That's why I am doing this.  I can't promise I will write every day, or that I will always be funny or interesting or even in a good mood.  What I can promise is total honesty and total availability.  So, lets start with the hardest part:

I am 33 years old
I am 6 feet tall
At my final weigh in I weighed 328 lbs

There, I said it.  I have been hiding from my weight since I was a child and now it is out there for all of you to read.  I didn't get this big overnight, and I haven't always been this big - or this small.  Since adulthood, at my smallest I was 152 lbs, and totally anorexic, at my biggest I was 443 and could barely move.  I have yo-yo'd my entire life.  I have tried every fad diet possible.  I have been bulimic and anorexic.  My weight has made me suicidal.  In high school I was teased so much and so often that I would make up these huge lies to people just hoping they would think I was something I wasn't.  I learned to be funny because it was easier than being broken.  I can't remember a time that I didn't hate myself or my body.  When I turned 30 my body started falling apart - arthritis in all of my joints, chest pain, difficulty breathing, blood clots, all because of my weight - and I became scared that I would leave my three girls before they were grown.  I got serious about my health.  I stopped eating junk food and drinking soda.  I worked out all of the time.  I paid attention to everything I put into my body.  And I only lost 25 lbs, not even enough to go from morbidly obese to just obese.  If you can think of a weight loss program, I have tried it, with little to no success.  I had always thought about surgery, but I had a friend that had an extremely bad result and it scared me - I also didn't want to take the "easy way out".  Then several of my friends had the surgery with great success and I talked to them and asked them questions.  I talked to my doctor as well, and he thought it was time for me to look into it - something had to change.  So I called a doctor and began this "easy" process.  That was a year ago.  I have had to take classes on weight loss, I have seen dietitians, nutritionists, doctors, specialists.  I have been scanned, x-rayed, examined, poked, and prodded until there was no place left to poke.  It has been exhausting, frightening, painful, and embarrassing   Once the surgery was approved and scheduled I was given my ten day diet.  For the ten days before the surgery I have been allowed essentially no food.  I can't have any caffeine, sugar, solid veggies, milk, all of the things you take for granted.  I have survived on water, protein shakes, and herbal teas.  My migraines have exploded, my body feels shaky, the cravings are out of control, and this is just to prepare.  As of tomorrow my life will be completely different.  I will not be able to eat what I want, when I want.  I will have to be mindful of everything that I put into my mouth.  When I am stressed and upset, I won't be able to seek the comfort of food.  I have been warned that the emotions that follow this surgery are intense, and I am frightened of how I will feel.  But, this is all part of it, part of my "easy way", and thankfully I have an amazing support system that I love and cherish.  I will write as often as I can, probably daily at first, and I will post pictures as I change (another big thing for me, since I hate pictures), the one that's on here now was taken tonight, my starting point.  Again, thank you for doing this with me!!  Here's to new adventures!